I never...

I'm so glad Life gives us some rules that are absolutely concrete; ones that all humanity knows to adhere to. Never stick your fork in the toaster, never play in heavy traffic, never drink arsenic. It makes Life so clear-cut and keeps us all on a level playing field, doesn't it?

I don't know about you, but I find myself being very good at obeying of Life's most important rules. To illustrate that point, I never have / never will do any of the things listed below. Really. Never. Not once. Ever.

Really.

I never.......
* throw dirty clothes in the dryer / dirty dishes in the dishwasher just to hide them when people come to visit
* try to pull hair out from a mole without tweezers, only to have it curl instead
* have moles with a hair growing out of them
* forget to give my daughter her afternoon bottle and then wonder why she's a cranky wreck before dinner
* drop food onto the disgustingly filthy kitchen floor while cooking dinner, then go ahead and use it anyway
* walk into a junior high classroom with my fly unzipped
* eat leftover lamb curry for breakfast and Cheerios for dinner
* somehow forget that I'm riding my bike, let go completely to zip up my jacket, then crash-land in front of 20 pedestrians
* put jeans and a jacket over my daughter's pajamas to take her brother to school, just so she appears fully dressed
* let my husband blame himself for putting our son's sweatpants on inside-out after a diaper change when it was really me who'd done it hours earlier and never noticed
* travel Europe as a university-student-backpacker and adhere to the philosophy that underwear turned inside out is clean enough for one more day's use
* sign up for a stupid cell phone application that looks really cute but causes all sorts of secret costs, then call the company to request my money back, claiming my young son had ordered it without my knowledge
* screw up my Dutch so badly that I end up saying things like 'the kitchen newspaper is broken' and 'I barked out the candle'

Yeah. I'm glad I never do those things.